The Enlightened Summer

If you could see me now. Well, thanks to modern technology, you actually can. And I’ll attach a few more pictures, too. Why on earth should anyone care about seeing pictures of me? Well, it starts with me, right? Leadership starts with the one practicing leadership. I am a coach, coaching leaders, students, young adults…..for the most part in designing their futures and in facilitating the growth of those around them. I sat down today in my “office of the day” and felt compelled to share what I’ve learned this summer about designing my life with the intention of feeling happy more often. And its only July. Can’t wait to see what else I get to learn this summer!

First and foremost, it starts with me. My coaching is so much more effective if I am leading from a place of practice. I need to wholeheartedly believe that transformation is possible, that like me, while my clients are perfect exactly as they are, there is always room for growth. I am ineffective if I am not doing all I can to live authentically, to operate from a place of choice, and to take responsibility for all that I want. From this place, I am prepared to hold the space for others while they do the same. My work with others continually reinforces this for me – I get to look at what holds me back, where I lean into my strengths, and how my perspective towards a situation, which I alone choose, can completely alter the course of that situation. The leaders I coach have shown me time and time again, the difference between a perspective of “It can’t happen,” and “It can’t happen yet.” Our work together reminds me to practice these principals in my own life, first and foremost for my own benefit, but clearly to shift my impact in the world, as well. So in setting my intention to have a more conscious awareness of feeling happy, I also hold the belief that it is, without question, possible for me.

Q: What challenges are your direct reports, your coworkers, your partner or your children calling you forth to look at in yourself?

Quincy Market, Boston

Something is always possible. I could have said, “no”. I could have said, “I’m too busy.” I could have stopped scheduling clients for the summer. I could have said, “I can’t.” All of which would have been ok. Truly. And all would have been honest responses. But if I have things I want in this life {read: a more conscious feeling of happiness}, I need to look at what I am willing to work for. I need to look at what my personal responsibility is towards moving in that direction. When it feels like there are so many things, seemingly outside of my control, keeping me from working towards an intention or goal (in my case, it is generally a pull of desire to put both feet into my home life and both feet into my work life except that I only have two feet, as well as a magnetic pull towards blaming others for any dissatisfaction I feel), I need to hold a belief that possibilities always exist; even the ones I did not know existed. From time to time, I coach someone who says, “Well, I couldn’t {insert whatever action they designed from our last session} because {insert whatever got in the way}.” Examples of this have included “look for a job because my internet was down,” “reach out to that client because I didn’t want to bother them over the holiday week,” and “talk to my boss because she has been working from home and has not been to the office.” So I ask, “What would have to happen for you to be able to say, “I did my best to… {insert the action they designed}. Inevitably, the client comes up with something that they could have taken responsibility for. In these three examples, the responses were, “gone to the library or used my phone,” “cut through my own BS and been honest with myself that I wasn’t calling because the call was causing me angst,” and “called my boss and asked to talk on the phone or at least made an appointment,” respectively. When they felt stuck, they stopped moving but when prompted, all three easily came up with something else they could have done. Maybe conscious happiness can’t be my primary emotion 100% of the time, but where can I take responsibility to create it to improve on my current percentage?

Q: What would change in your life if, at the end of each day, you were able to say, “Today I did my best to {insert the action you’ve designed for yourself},”?

When I clear away the noise, what I want is often within reach. So this brings me to today. My epiphany. I sat down, on the second floor of Faneuil Hall, computer and work bag in hand, and looked around me. I couldn’t believe, that for the second time in one week, I was breath-taken with the beauty of my “office”. My daughter and her friend were doing some shopping and I had work to do. Writing this blog was not the work I had to do but I could not help myself. Suddenly, sharing this with you felt imminently important. Not long ago, I would have been angry at myself and the world for having to choose between taking these girls into Boston and getting my work done. I would have made up a story about how hard my life is and how unfair it is and the self pity would have taken me directly to the refrigerator or to my bed, or worse, to raging about all of the demands put on me. My daughter would have felt awful for causing my tantrum, the mood of the house would have changed, and I would have felt self-righteous and then, if I was lucky, much later I would have been able to see the error of my ways…which would have only led to shame. When I think back on this past year, I realize that when faced with what could be a conflict, before I head to the proverbial cheesecake or 100 year slumber, I have learned to do a quick inventory of the situation. I get honest. I clear the noise of self-pity or resentment or “I’m too busy” and say, “What is possible here?” I put space between my feeling and my reaction. And from here, I get to fully enjoy both my work and my home. I get to joyfully choose the direction I take. And I get to take full responsibility for that choice.

Q: What becomes possible when you put a tiny bit of space between your initial thought and what you actually say out loud?

oceanside

Just last night I met someone who, while lovely, was clearly skeptical of life coaching. She learned I was a coach and started asking questions about my practice and the people I coach. She offered up her belief that coaching is just a fad and went on to say, “Work is work for a reason. No one cares if you are happy or not.” As you can imagine, there were several thoughts that came to my mind, but what I said was, “What if it is possible to have both?”

Maybe that is what ignited my thinking today. I never want to be limited by a belief that the social norms don’t allow for me to get what I want in whatever area of my life I feel called to work. This summer, I’ve been called to work on my own life satisfaction {read: happiness}. Happiness is not an emotion reserved for someone else. I don’t so much care if you care if I am happy. I do care if I am happy. And I would argue that those who interact with me care if I’m happy {see #3 above}. My happiness has a ripple effect on those who live with me, those who are close to me, and maybe even those with whom I work. With this ripple effect as a backdrop, I hold a belief that the world would be a better place if more people spent more time (work, home, recreational, etc.) feeling happy. And for today, I’ll hold the possibility for the lovely woman I met last night.

 

Showing up for myself: A lesson in how knowing myself changes how I show up for what’s tough.

Trust. It’s such a tricky word. Nothing evokes fear in me like that word. And yet, when I can fully and wholly relax into trust….wait. Let’s face it, I’m not sure I can. But I know I have. So what was different between then and now?

As I write, I am aware that I like to think I trust in the Universe, trust in a higher power, trust in the goodness of the world to take care of me and my loves, I am also aware that I generally have a Plan B. If God doesn’t come through for me, I can always take the wheel. Even in the acknowledgement of this, my heart is racing, I feel edgy, and I really have no peace.

What is that all about? What influences my ability to trust in the Universe? Self care. When I am off the beam – not taking care of myself – all of these fears rise to the top. It is like carbonation bubbling up to the surface and disrupting my peaceful, smooth surface (if you know me, you know that there is very little on the outside that says “peace”, but really, I do feel it on the inside!). Self care looks different for all of us. It took me years to know what self care was for me. I remember thinking self care meant having a giant Snickers at 4:00 every day because “my body was telling me” I needed a Snickers and “we should trust in the wisdom of our bodies,” after all. Horseshit. Other things I played with were staying in my PJs all weekend (pre-kids), drinking, and “girl time”, which always seemed to translate into “gossip time” and I never, ever felt good afterwards. You want to see someone robbed of any chance at peace? Put them in Pj’s for a weekend (after their Friday afternoon Snickers – and not the little “fun” size and not even the grocery aisle size – these were GINORMOUS Snickers), give them lots of alcohol (and whatever other substance or food will help them to “know” they are responding to their body’s wisdom), and let them talk for hours with friends about other friends. Oh yes…and I was probably listening to some depressing music like The Cranberries or the soundtrack from Reality Bites. But I digress….

After lots of work and willingness to give up what I think I know for something I truly know (that word “trust” implied again), it is clear to me what it means to take care of myself. I don’t want the details to muck up the message, so I’ll share that for me, it involves exercise, some sort of spiritual practice, and the right food. It involves fully honoring values that I have discovered are important for me to honor in order for my insides to match my outsides. It involves living in resonance and relaxing into what “is” so that I can know how I feel and acknowledge those feelings (the hard ones are usually fear and embarrassment) in some way, shape or form. Things seem lighter and my attachment to them – my white-knuckled grip – begins to loosen.

So back to trust. I have recently had some “stuff” going on that requires me to rely heavily on the Universe because I am so incredibly powerless over the outcome, that I had to get into a place where I could trust that I, and those who are deep in these weeds with me, would be taken care of. I had to let go of my grip on controlling the outcome and find the trust so that I could surrender the results and trust that the right thing would happen. So what did I do? I took walks. I took care of my food. And my spiritual practice involved writing and a whole heck of a lot of “Lead me, guide me, show me the way.” To the outside world, the “stuff” in my life would have allowed me to say “not enough time”, “x, y, z needs to be taken care of,” and “don’t indulge yourself, you are too busy and need to fix this problem.” But I knew, in some very profound place, that I needed to continue to take care of my body and my soul or I would be useless to those relying on me. Was I afraid? Hells yes. Was it paralyzing? No. Not when I was taking care of myself.

Am I still afraid? Admittedly, yes, fear pops up. It’s here today but as I write (read: spiritual practice) it is subsiding. I’m not in the depths of it, necessarily, but I am still in it. And, ya’ know what? I haven’t been taking care of myself. I’ve been working a lot and making excuses for not getting outside or writing or having meaningful conversations with those I trust. Those are the things that feed me. And the carbonation is rising. It’s actually already risen. I can feel the bubbles disrupting the surface of my being. So I start with writing — here at least — and I make sure I get some exercise today. I have lots on my plate so I will ask for help so that I can do what I need to do to not feel that heart-racing, edgy (and let’s face it – irritable) feeling. And by tonight, my trust will return. My peace will be back. Everyone around me will benefit. And I’ll start all over again tomorrow.

What are you facing today, this week, this month that makes you call into question your ability to trust? Is it your high school senior choosing their next phase? A problem in a relationship that needs attention but your fear is keeping you from addressing it? A health concern of yours or someone you love?

Now ask yourself: “How am I taking care of myself?”

“How am I living in resonance today?”

“Does what I know to be true on my insides – my values, my soul-
speak, my core beliefs about who I am – match what I project on the
outside?”

If the answer is no, stop thinking. Just do it. Do the next right thing. Do whatever it is that you know of (and you do know), that points your attention to caring for yourself. See what happens to that situation that causes you to question your trust. Trust that you are being taken care of. Trust that the next right thing will be revealed to you. Trust in the process. And trust that you and your loves will be fundamentally well. As you do, I trust that your grip on it all will loosen and you will start to feel peace. As you do, maybe nothing other than you will change, but that’s the exact right place for it all to start. I’d love to hear how it goes.